I want to bring our attention not just to relationships but also how relationships effect those incarcerated. Bad relationships are mostly the leading cause of most inmates’ criminal behavior which caused them to be locked up. Also, dealing with a chaotic relationship while locked up can cause inmates to lose it even if it’s for a split second, causing them to act out of character, and leaving them to deal with the consequences for their actions.
Allow me to explain my words, there’s a guy I know. Let’s just call him Mike. Mike was a hard working husband, did everything thing the right way to provide for his family. Mike had a checkered past but not of his own doing, his mom and dad were drug addicts, he grew up in foster care and he had to fight for everything he had in life. See, Mike’s biggest flaw was falling for the wrong women. Because he never had his mom he had no idea what it was like to be loved by a woman, so his ideology of love was distorted and mixed up. Let’s find out what happened.
It was an early Monday morning, when I sat down with Mike. We’ve known one another for a year and half before we met up years later while incarcerated. There was an unspoken familiarity between the two of us where neither one of us needed to verbally acknowledge anything for us to know that something was wrong. “Alright Mike, what’s going on? Why the long face?” I said handing Mike a coffee drink I had just made. “I wanted to tell you about what’s been going on with me.” Mike said obvious that something was on his mind. “I can’t help but to think about my ex wife, Mandy. I feel like I could have handled our disagreements and her affair better than I did. It shouldn’t of lead to this and the reason I’m here. ” Well, when you are ready just let it out.” I replied.
I wait for Mike to gather his wits and thoughts, I could tell whatever it was, it was eating him up. Mike opened his mouth and found himself lost in the about all the things he thought he would stumble upon, because his wife at the time was acting out of character. His mind summoned all the worse things a man could image about his wife doing. I spoke about leaving work early one day after the biggest fight they ever had over the phone. He was so lost in his mind that he didn’t even realize he was speeding all the way home. Mike felt guilty about spying on his wife because their whole marriage was founded on trust. It was the glue that held them together.
Just as Mike was pulling onto his street he saw his wife backing out of the driveway. His heart began to race, thinking that she was heading his direction but she went the other direction. Mike became confused as to where she was going, but then a thought came to him. This was the same time that she would go with friends to the local yoga class. Which brought a quick relief to his mind. Even then, Mike still followed her at a distance to be sure.
As Mike followed his wife the beautiful day reminded him of the day he first met his wife. A simple disagreement over a parking spot had lead to love, marriage, and what he thought would be happiness. There he was pulling into the small shopping center in Federalway to get an iced coffee from Starbucks. Mike had time to spare so he pulled into a parking spot not seeing that a car going for the same one until his car was struck from behind. Mike threw his car in park and jumped out. “What the……are you freaking serious?”
Mike was so mad and surprised that he did not realized that he had walked up to the driver side window and was beating on it. It wasn’t until the driver yelled that she was calling the police did Mike calm down a little bit. Mike knocked on the window and noticed that the woman flinched as though she heard a gunshot. Seeing that she was that frightened of him Mike started to feel bad. The woman looked up at Mike several times while she was on the phone as if she was reporting his description to someone on the other end. Mike saw tears in her eyes as they streamed down her face. Immediately, realization came over him and he felt like a fool about how he acted towards her. So he changed his attitude and his disposition.
Mike tried to talk to the frightened woman again but she gave him a worried look as if she was trying to read his sincerity and assess if Mike was a threat to her. So Mike tried a better approach. “I’m really sorry for blowing up Miss. Can I make it up to you by buying you a coffee and something to eat, while we wait for the authorities?” “I’m okay with that,” the woman replied. “If you don’t mind I’ll still wait in my car.” “Sure, that’s fine.” Mike replied with a smile. “My apologies again, I promise you I’m a nice and harmless guy.” Mike smiled. I could tell that he was reminiscing about his relationship with Mandy. He told me after that day they were inseparable, he felt like he had hit the lottery when he married Mandy.
But all came to an end when he followed Mandy to an unfamiliar neighborhood and pulled into a driveway. Mike didn’t know that she had any friends this far out. So he was beyond confused when he saw his wife get out of her car and hurry up the front porch steps. Just before Mandy reached the top step, a shirtless and heavily tattooed man greeted her with a tight embrace a followed her inside. Unless his eyes where playing tricks on him, Mike could have sworn that the guy slapped Mandy on her rear before closing the door.
Immediately, Mike’s blood began to boil. He was angry and hurt. Mike had never considered himself a violent person, but this was his wife for crying out loud that was obviously cheating on him with another man. Mike first talked himself to park his car and kick in the door and confront them both, but then he thought otherwise. So, instead he crept up to the house hoping he could spy and see what was going on before he jumped to conclusion. Halfway up the steps of the front porch Mike noticed that the front curtains were drawn back. When he slowly made his way toward the open curtains it was there that he saw his entire world crumble. Mandy was bent forward over a loveseat chair with her skirt raised up to her hips and her panties at her ankles. All Mike could do was watch helplessly as some random guy slammed himself into the back of her repeatedly.
Mike paused for a brief moment as tears came to his eyes. I could tell that he was hurting and that his pain was deep. I told him we can stop here and pick up later but he waved me off, wiped his eyes and continued. Mike then explained that the last hours of that day were cloudy and the only thing he could remember was blood on his hands. So, I explained to Mike that our brains trigger a safeguard shut off when we are experiencing a traumatic situation or under traumatic duress. This enables the mind to slow the rapid emotional impulses that are firing through our frontal lobe. In most people this response causes them to shutdown and become recluse, but in other this response triggers the fight or flight receptors.
Sometimes, we as people put all of our eggs in one basket and when that basket breaks and unravels we are stuck picking up the pieces. Or that we are so in what we think is love, that we override all warning signs and the reality of the nature of our relationships with the person we are with. Even now, Mike is having a hard time creating personal friendships and relationships because he can’t shake the past and how he was hurt. He’s very untrusting, bitter, and angry all the time. His many conflicts with other inmates and staff members alike stem for his past. It’s a daily job showing him that being hurt doesn’t mean its okay to wound others. Just because your life or your heart is broken doesn’t mean you can’t fix it because anything unfixable is dead and discarded.
Relationships are precious and priceless should be treated as such. We are social creatures so we meet people on the daily. Some people are meant to be in our lives and others are role players, don’t ever confuse the two. Also with the ones we choose to have in our lives there is no issue in the world to hard to get over, yes people will hurt us and we’ll hurt others as well. But we’re all human, we all make mistakes no matter what they are. So the next time you feel like hurting someone or taking someone for granted think and put yourself in that persons shoes. Would you like it if someone did the same thing to you?
Remember, inmates are not criminals. They’re humans who let life and relationships get the best of them. -TK