Thank you for your comment on my perceptions post. The people behind the keyboard were hesitant to approve it but I asked that they did. I knew stepping into this public format that there will be those unforgiving, biased, closed minded and most importantly hurt. And wax on or wax off, the scars I’ve left out there are still there.
From your comment, I am responding to one who is scarred from my own actions. I am sorry for the trauma you’ve experienced due to my actions 31+ years ago. Which, your hope assured I will never ever forget. My hope for you is that someday you can relinquish yourself from the weight of such remembrance.
You asked that I speak directly upon my victims, even posted their names and where each man is laid to rest. I am sure from your point of view, and likely many others, those seem valid things to bring up. To those of us existing in these iron houses, these prisons, the reality is quite different.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever made a choice you deeply regret, or are remorseful for and have tried to express your “I’m sorry.” And if, in that moment your offering was left upon the air. Then you did it again to the same result. Then dare you, on your own reach out of here and try to make contact only to have the administration worry more about their P.R. than about making real amends step in and shut you down. Their Administrative protocol…
Now let’s address the personal protocol. How would the survivors take it? The victims I made of the families, the friends, of my family, friends and loved ones… of you? All my victims right? Clear down to that poor lady who had to sit through my trial and subsequent resentencing dates and type down all this trauma. I think of her also. I am sorry to her also. All the first responders, etc. etc.. I will never forget. Even this upcoming court date I asked to do remotely because I heard it when the prosecutor and the judge at my last one said how each time I go back I reopen those wounds. How I’m the living embodiment of the bogeyman and will be for generations to come. But no zoom or Skype was approved so back to the courtroom.
I did not know where those men are laid to rest. Not that I haven’t thought of paying respects, of showing up and saying I’m sorry. I have. Often in fact. Rather I never sought it out as to not offend those hurting any further. You see being forgiven, and the freedom of choice, speech and even intent that comes with it, are unknown to me. And many others like me. I can speak 100% raw truth, pure apology and hopeful intent only to have those with no forgiveness in their hearts claim my raw truth is just a minimizing attempt, my apology is to well rehearsed and by God hopeful intent! the nerve… I still sit here 31+years later unforgiven. That sentence is forever, and honestly often self imposed.
So now what?
Should I wax on about how I fell to my knees in my “come to Jesus” moment? Or explain how for the past three decades I’ve sat in here and observed people use their Gods to justify and dismiss their actions, you know that story. It’s been happening since before America right? I have had many pivotal moments, epiphanies or “Ahas”, whatever you wish to call them. One of the first was I will not use the Creator as a ticket home. Christians say to never use the Lords name in vain, and to me that is what most do. Politics, religion and sexuality are all personal business that I feel should be kept that way. The “moments” I’ve had mostly come from interactions or dialogues I’ve had with family and friends and even a few of my opposed. I will write more later and share those. Just as I will respond later to the final prompt, what would the 47 year old Jeremiah say to the 15 year old Jeremiah?
I hope this answered some of your questions. I know that the answers many people seek may never feel resolved. Going forward I will do my best to do so. I will also write something on the atonement you referred to.
May what you believe in bring blessings to you and those you love.
