Parenting

I became incarcerated in the year 2017. At that time, I had full custody of my 2 year old daughter. I admit at times I struggle with my choice to place myself at that gas station where I was arrested. That night opened up the door for me to be depicted as a stereotype man of color in the eyes of the court when my parental rights were challenged by my daughters mother. Originally I was awarded full custody because of an unfortunate situation happened at the home I’d once began renting with my daughters mother, where I was no longer present. Prior, we were present as a collective for the sake of the child. Disagreement caused us to go our separate ways which in many ways led to the home being occupied with another man. In the supervision of this man my daughter suffered from a degree of burns that peeled the skin off of her delicate hands. How? I’m honesty unsure of the truth but Child Protective Services and I both felt that the home was no longer a safe place for her and I was awarded full custodial rights. This brought my daughter and I closer than before and that says a lot because I’d been in her life since she was in her mothers stomach. Talking to her and being there the day she was born when I cut her umbilical cord and welcomed her into the world.

Our relationship was close from her birth until our lives changed dramatically due to my incarceration. I was used to making many lifestyle changes from my wild bachelor life to be present in her life as as full time father. I will say I was very protective of her and I struggled with faith that she could be safe away from my care. Doing time as a father was extremely difficult for me at first. I went from spending unlimited quality time at lakes, beaches, on the trampoline in the backyard and events like the U.S. Open to bonding with my daughter on the other side of a glass divider where many times she struggled and told me to walk around to her side, which I was unable to do. I felt helpless and weakened in those moments. I cried during those visits on many occasions. Overwhelming guilt from subjecting her to those chains of events brought tears to my eyes and I had to “sleep it off” immediately after leaving these visits on several occasions. My immediate family really stepped up in my absence as I fought for my freedom and fought for my rights as a father. My kids mom attempted to take my rights, make me pay her lawyer fees for the case she started against me, and put me on child support all while asking for a restraining order, which was something that did not make any sense to me because we have no contact with one another at all. I wasn’t calling, writing or coming around her. Thankfully the judge did not see any validation to anything listed above and denied the attack at my custodial rights. We settled with the mom getting a 50% temporary custody order until I’m released. Since then my ways of showing my daughter effort at getting to know her and understand her as a person has not changed. My love and care has not changed. My influence in teaching her values and self love and respect has not changed. What has changed is my methods. I’ve learned how to pour into her love for her self identity by designing her own animated children’s book that depicts her wearing her natural brown curls in over twenty visuals doing different task in life.

The book shows her ranging from being an female astronaut in outer space, being a doctor, musician, chef, scientist, athlete, game designer and female President of our country. While I’m not there day to day to encourage her, I do it when I can. In prison we can visit face to face in a spacious visiting room sitting at the same table where we can draw, play board games, talk, eat and drink various things from about ten vending machines. Recently the prison has added PlayStations where we can play around ten video games and there is an Arcade station. We really enjoy the gaming systems and arcade. Even more we love talking, laughing and drawing which is a passion we both enjoy. I send a ton of artwork to her at home and buy what I can for holidays and birthdays. She isn’t very hard on me for not being present, though I’ve apologized more than once for not being present. She gives me more credit than I feel i deserve although I try hard from a distance. I feel guilty for not being there, knowing the threats that exist for children in this complex world.

I’ve been paranoid immensely and go through motions where I have to prevent over thinking from driving me to overstep my boundaries. Boundaries I created by not being there no matter the reason for my crime. Over the years I’ve tried different approaches to parenting from a distance and I’m embracing the inevitable, my daughter maturing into a young woman. Fast forward to today, i’ve been respecting the obvious. I’m not there like I want to be but I’m involved and I make sure she knows I care and that she can talk to me about anything on her mind and anything she’s experiencing. I hope to be her safe place even if it’s by being a non judgemental listening ear. I don’t take the approach of making myself appear flawless. I tell her I won’t be hard on her because I’m not out of touch with the fact I was a mischievous boy and had plenty struggles growing up through my childhood and teens. I offered the fact that I know I’m not there and there are moments I will miss. I plan to make up for it when I’m home and can meet her where she is in life and be who she needs me to be in those moments. I will always be her father and this is something temporary we are going through. Until I’m reunited with my family on the other side of the fence.

* The beliefs, opinions, values, and perspectives expressed/shared by our guests, interviewees, and guest bloggers are indeed their own and not that of PrisonBaes LLC. 

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