So as some of you are aware i’m Brian, the founder of PrisonBaes, but to my friends I’m just “BG”, and April 26th marked my first in person visit in almost a decade. You guys, when I say nothing would’ve prepared me for what awaited me in that visit room, I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Up until my visit with my wife/business partner Nicola – who flew in from England mind you – I thought I had forgotten what everyday life activities and people outside of prison were like. In all actuality I detached myself along the way and it was this disconnect that kept myself separated from reality and my own humanity.
During my visit my wife would constantly ask “what’s wrong?” while I surveyed the room every time the guards keys got to jingling. She had taken notice to how tense I would get and how I would square my shoulders towards the direction of the jingling keys, ready for the negative energy I feel all who battle with what I call “power trip syndrome” exude. This brought tears to her eyes … it was then that I realized prison has broken me, giving me PTSD – making me hyper focused to noises and movements around me – and this realization came with a flood of mixed emotions and feelings. The strongest being embarassment and anger.
I knew by the way she looked at me that I lost who I was in order to become the type of person prison life/culture promotes … I rediscovered myself there in her eyes. Prison isn’t life … but being sentenced to more years than I had lived at that time became my excuse to think differently and reason enough to push the world and all I knew away. Throughout the visit I found myself concerned with other inmates seeing me having too good of a time for it could be perceived as me being “soft!”, then I was worried that I was being too standoffish with my wife! Eventually, I settled down the nerves and reclaimed perspective. This woman just dropped everything and hopped on a 10hr flight to a country she’s never been to go straight into a prison … you damn right I was in there looking soft!
The things I enjoyed the most was her touch and smell, now that sounds weird but being in a place lacking sisgender women it was foreign to me! Sure, we played video games, ate plenty of food, had free photos taken, etc. but simply being there provided me with more than I could have ever asked for. Prison is a monotonous place, so the opportunity to be placed in an environment where we feel exposed, vulnerable, and unfamiliar isn’t something provided to all.
What I found validating while sitting beside my wife was my disposition on transitioning back into society someday. I felt 100% confident that I could up and walk out these gates with her and live life, adhere to all responsibilities/expectations, be a great husband, father, and a contributing member to society/my community. Yes, these are things easy for me to say now and though my release date is only visible when I squint I’m busting my ass off to achieve all these things long before my release. My rehabilitation is in my hands and with my wife’s support and love I know I have what it takes.
Nicola and I actually had 3 more 8hr visits after that day and the final day was the hardest. I went from feeling part of the world again to feeling like I’m being put back in the cage. Nevertheless I knew I had to stop being self-centered and selfish as Nicola was going through it. She was crushed, feeling as though she was leaving me behind, and though she was leaving it wasn’t a “goodbye” it was a “I’ll be seeing you”. We kissed and hugged for what felt like 0.5 seconds then I walked her to the door and sent my heart in human form back into the world.
As I stepped out of visitation that day I took in my surroundings, it was surprisingly sunny and beautiful that day, and with every step that took me away from that visiting room I found myself regressing back to being “BG” but behind the mean mug expression Brian was excited and smiling. There’s a whole world out there and it took my wife to fly from England and look me in my eyes to remind me where I belong, where I am needed, and the person I haven’t given a chance – not the person I’ve become, but rather the person I’ve been within all along. I’m ready.
* The beliefs, opinions, values, and perspectives expressed/shared by our guests, interviewee’s, and guest blogger’s are indeed their own and not that of PrisonBaes LLC, their affiliates, and employees.
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