Something that’s become more of a recurrence during my prison sentence has been the realization that I’m IN PRISON! This being my first time – and an extensive amount of time (16 years 5 months flat total) – I’ve been extremely conscious of my thoughts, feelings, emotional states, mental states, and actions.
I believe that’s one of the many ways a person can prepare themselves for their release. Whether you’re free or incarcerated, how could you ever put yourself in the best position possible if you don’t know yourself at an intimate level? After being inside for 10 years and 3 months now, the most frightening moments come when I catch myself in a flow. After being blind and immersed in my environment the realization comes.. “Omfg! I’m IN prison!!” – sometimes a literal exclamation when I’m in the cell alone lbvs (laughing but very serious).
The first time I recognized this type of time lapse was in 2018 – 2019ish. I found myself moseying through our day room (filled with 80 or more men at a time) and I FELT that I was still in the year 2014. Forgive me for my general description, but the feeling was as if I was in a dream state. Present in the moment, but mentally elsewhere. Disconnected from reality. 2014 was the year I was arrested and now as I try to psychoanalyze myself I can surmise that fighting a potential life sentence was a traumatic experience – Yes, I was facing a life sentence had I went to trial and lost, I took a plea deal for 16 yrs 5 months. For those that are well versed in the causes and affects of PTSD, you already know that extreme trauma has a way of imprinting itself on your subconscious as well as your body’s muscle memory.
This isn’t a thesis paper though lol. This is an account of my life thus far and maybe my experiences can help you truly be there for the incarcerated person in your life. Over the years I’ve internally questioned the examples of elder men I saw in my environment, wondering how a 50 year old man could still conduct himself like a 20 year old. For Example: – throwing a temper tantrum slamming his door – listening to music in his headphones but screaming the lyrics aloud – whining – public displays of frustration like sitting on the ground or – pouting in a corner in a squatted position – a lack of accountability – sagging his pants – toying with people playing grab ass – lack of manners – eating with his mouth open – poor hygiene The list could go on, but I’ll stop here. Like I said in my bio I’ve seen a lot in my 10 years of incarceration! However, I have seen from my own psyche exactly how a person can become trapped in time.
When I myself was awakened, I mentally felt I was 25 although biologically I was 30!! There’s a high likelihood that a socially immature person has been incarcerated for far too long without proper guidance or self determination to do better, and thus he’s done his time unconsciously… going through the motions and not assessing how to better himself. Some people do not have the support structure to challenge their behavioral patterns. Some people do not have the aptitude to look at themselves and introspect deep enough to understand changes need to be made in order to NOT come back to prison. I share this with you so that you may be of better understanding of how to be there for your loved one or your partner who’s incarcerated.
I’m not writing this to say I’m the perfect exception to the oddities I describe here. I’ve had to use the negative examples of my environment to understand what I DON’T want to be when I get out but at the same time I acknowledge that I still have room to grow, hence why I still “put myself out there” via pen pal sites and a blog in order to attract people to help me continue to grow. With this act alone I have taken charge of my rehabilitation. But not everyone here thinks in this manner. Without contact from the outside world a person is unable to gage where their normal social skills/responses should be for their age group. They become frozen in time wherever they were when they came in. Sure, you can assume that 2 men close in age would suffice for one another’s intellectual and emotional growth, but if both men have been incarcerated since they were 18 and are now 30 WITHOUT regular interaction with peers equal to their age in free society, how far do you think these men could have truly grown??
This may be why you see the guy with an outdated style of dress walking down the street or in your local mall. Or you hear a person using words from a long foregone era. He may have been incarcerated and was recently released from his “Time capsule”. Inside prison, everyday is the same. There are few “mile markers” or checkpoints present to help a person rationalize that time is moving forward. Out there in society there are plenty of milestones and opportunities available that help you witness the progression of time. However, that is not the case for an incarcerated person and we need your help and patience moving us through time. Keep in mind that your loved one or partner may not know how to ask for help or is too proud to ask altogether, but your influence in his life is one of his treasures.
In conclusion, contact with the outside world helps to facilitate emotional well being, pro social/up to date interactions within society, and the grounds needed to promote growth and development. Reach out to an inmate and change his life. Bring him back to the present.
Books that aided my rehabilitation:
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Conscious Loving by Drs. Gay and Kathleen Hendricks
Presence by Amy Cuddy
Becoming The One by Sheleana Aiyana
How The World Sees You by Sally Hogshead
The Motivation Manifesto by Brendan Burchard
Ego Is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill
* The beliefs, opinions, values, and perspectives expressed/shared by our guests, interviewee’s, and guest blogger’s are indeed their own and not that of PrisonBaes LLC, their affiliates, and employees.
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