How can I be a father to my kids even though I’m locked up? This question has always been hard for me to answer, only because it’s hard to explain fully the strategies and techniques of being an Instagram father…lol… This is what I call it because we as inmates are only able to call, email, and do video visits. We have contact visits but since my kids live in other states, I’m stuck with being an Instagram father.
My daughter Mielella J’dor is 16 years old, she’ll be 17 in October. If you ask her, it’s been very hard on her since I’ve been locked up, I’ve missed a lot of her life. Birthdays, graduations, sports, special events, you name I’ve missed them all. That’s time we can never get back. I wasn’t there when she was born and on top of things the first time, I got to meet her was when she was seven years old. At that time, her mom and I were not talking because I had got locked up and she was beyond mad at me for it. The funnier thing was that I never knew she was pregnant, she kept it from me because she wasn’t sure that she wanted me to have a relationship with our daughter.
So, the first time I get to meet M.J. I remember it was three days after her seventh birthday. I had a surprise visit, thinking it was my mom who was coming from out of town. I remember the minute I walk through the visitation doors; this beautiful little angel came running across the room and flew into my arms. I was so caught off-guard because I had no idea who she was. I remembered feeling confused as to what was going on and seeing this little girl in tears as she called me daddy literally broke my heart. Now you have to understand that I never knew M.J. and she only knew of me, so it was understandable for her joy and excitement to be replaced with anger and resentment once we got to our table. M.J. had a lot of questions and I had to bite the bullet and answer every one of them. This is the first lesson you learn about being an incarcerated father, you have to be honest and open with your kids. Because if they cannot trust you to be up front, they will lose respect for you.
From that day I’ve spent every moment getting to know my daughter, building a report, sending her encouraging words of advice, explaining things that will come up in life, and keeping her rooted and grounded in herself. Since the age of seven I’ve made her repeat this message to herself every day in the mirror: I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM A QUEEN, I AM INTELLIGENT AND I CAN BE ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO. THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN STOP ME FROM BEING WHO AND WHAT I WANT TO BE, IS ME. Every Friday we write a diary to one another about our week, how we are feeling, and what we experienced. I do this so my daughter gets use to being open with me always no matter what it is because if she can’t talk to me about it, who else can she go to if not her mother. I’m showing her that as long as we can be open with one another, I am able to know what’s going on in her life and how help and guide her through the things that she is experiencing or going through without suffering the consequences that I had to go through.
Another thing we do to keep our relationship strong and exciting is Father and Daughter Comic Con. Since M.J. likes anime like I do and loves to draw, we each come up with a creative concept based off things we like, places we’ve been, or just totally made up. We draw a character in that environment and send it to one another. Doing this keeps our creativity flowing, helps her find her own artistic style, and also, we bond through something we both like. Don’t get me wrong our relationship is the best when it’s going well but when we are at odds, that’s when it’s the hardest. Because at times I wish I was there physically so she can understand where I’m coming from when I say certain things and not just view my words as you’re just saying this because I’m a girl or that I don’t understand how she feels. Not being there physically for your kids is unbearable for a father because I am not able to hug her when she needs it, show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman, take her places, and just that masculine presence of protection and security.
Being an incarcerated father is a full-time job every day, I have to deal with the everyday stresses of being incarcerated, my own battles with my inner demons, and all the problems and characteristics that comes with owning your own businesses. Just to compartmentalize and set aside everything I got going on and give my undivided attention to my daughter. And that’s okay. Because she worth it. Because I want better for her, I want her to experience a better life than what I had. I want her to do and be better than me. I’ve been through all the ups and downs with M.J., one day she loves me, the next she hates me. The resentment, the hurt, the pain, the happy, the sad, and pure enjoyment. My daughter is not only my daughter, but she’s also my best friend. I hold her dear to me always and I cherish every moment with her, and I can’t wait for what the future holds for us. M.J. always jokes that no matter how old I get or what people may say about me, that she’ll always be my number one fan. I tell her daily that no matter how old she gets, that she’ll always be my little angel.
I love Mielella J’dor Rosaletta Cavil and thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a father regardless of the circumstances. – TK.
