Reminiscence never leads to anything.
It’s been said that life is a process of holding on and letting go, but what happens when all that you’re left with is what’s needing to go? I’ve been incarcerated for almost 8 years now and I still reminisce quite often, I mean how can I not? When I watch the news, listen to podcast about world events, and speak with everyday people like yourself, I can usually only find relevance through my life before prison.
On any given day I will catch myself day dreaming of what I’d be doing in the outside world right now. Days of blue skies, gray skies, storms, nights, holidays, birthdays, etc. I try so hard to live in the moment, but since the future is so unimaginable to me and the present is so goddamn boring and monotonous I do slip up. I revisit all the opportunities I didn’t take, mistakes I wish I didn’t make, and all the decisions I should’ve made for my friends and family’s sake.
One of the most popular and reoccurring conversations in prison is telling tales of “when I was out”. People hold on to the glory of old rather than make new accomplishments, goals, and growth. Prison is quite literally a time capsule and what I mean is not only do I know individuals nearing their 50’s who look to be in their 20’s, but sadly many still behave like they’re in their 20’s.
The reasons for why this happens are many no doubt, but i’m no psychologist. However, I personally think the major contributor is subconsciously holding on to who we used to be as a life line throughout this journey. No matter how long an individual has been incarcerated they’re very much mentally and emotionally stuck at the same age they were when they came to prison.
Not letting go of values, principalities, the person we used to be, and the irrational thought of not allowing ourselves to be changed by the system keeps many of us from growth and development. Change is inevitable, no matter who you are you will become someone new and different little by little with every passing day.
Fear is another contributor. Personally, I feared becoming institutionalized. Coming to prison I told myself I’d never allow that to happen, as I seen it as weak mindedness. Not only did I become institutionalized, but it happens over and over. Conforming and adopting this culture and life within prison is a direct act of institutionalized behavior at its best. We adopt new values and customs that we knew nothing of before prison. Why? Social pressures, fears and anxieties.
Easy signs of institutionalization are contributing to politics within prison, exhibiting prejudices that didn’t exist before prison, demanding more respect than you ever have and quite frankly don’t deserve, and having values and perceptions centered around prison. This behavior can last for years before someone either realizes it for themselves or a good friend or loved one points it out. it’s a sensitive subject that we often aren’t prepared to deal with let alone accept as true.
An individual’s journey within prison is usually a lonely one. They will struggle with holding on to all they knew before prison, while adopting and learning the culture within it, and fighting for a new life, hope, peace, and opportunity. Life is a process of holding on and letting go. What are you needing to let go of? What will you decide to hold on to? No matter who you are, where you’re from, nor the circumstances you may find yourself in we all face this process, and no one needs to or should have to go it alone.
Thank you for your time – Brian
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