We bring back Christopher Olsen, inmate number 831898, for another interview to shed light on the challenges of parenthood through incarceration and the ways he manages to overcome these walls as a father that finds consistent and unique ways to be, and remain, present in his children’s life.
PB: “What kind of challenges do you face while parenting behind bars?”
Chris: There are so many challenges we face as incarcerated parents but a few of the biggest are the inability to wrap your arms around your child/ren whenever you want, and it is really hard emotionally especially in those times when all you want is to hold them close and let them know you love them. Including when they’re hurting, scared, or sad and all they need is Daddy to hold them and tell them it’s going to be alright. Secondly, the inability to be fully present in the home. Our overall presence is often subjected to the schedule of prison operations, the other parent or caregiver’s financial situation, and/or their distance from your facility. Lastly, is the feeling of being a failure as a parent and partner to your child’s other parent, your other half, by being incarcerated and not being able to support them. It hurts your ability to connect in some ways, including the sacrifices they may have to make to see you and be a part of your life. Sometimes this could be having to choose between needs and comforts or coming to see you.
PB: “What kind of challenges does your child/ren face?”
Chris: Again, there are so many, especially if your incarceration comes during their formative years. Things like daddy daughter dances, father son events, birthdays, family vacations, judgements from their peers, and their parents if your incarceration is known to them. I personally was convicted of first-degree murder, and it was a fairly publicized case in my community so that could become an issue for them either due to the parent’s biases, or even from the other children through bullying. For sons without fathers in the home it is shown most apparently in the young man either seeking male role models in the streets, or learning through his mother or TV things he should be learning from his father. As for daughters it’s in having to learn about growing as a woman, if she’s lucky, by another woman in the family but if not, then her father must learn how to help her navigate things like puberty, dating, and other things that he may be way out of his depth on. My children struggle with finding their identities both as individuals and as a family, but without the benefit of my continuous presence and guidance physically. Luckily their mother, my lovely wife is fricken’ Wonder Woman.
PB: “How do you be the best parent you can while still incarcerated?”
Chris: The way I attempt to overcome these challenges is first through my faith. Relying on the grace of God and then by being an ever-present figure for my family emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Also, by sharing in the day-to-day decisions for our children with my beautiful wife and best friend, Rita. I struggle with not being able to provide for her as well for our children, and these fuels feelings of inadequacy which makes my struggle with my insecurities harder and sometimes causes me to question myself worth. However, I find my value first in my Lord and savior Jesus Christ and then in the love of my wife and children, not in the eyes of the world. I do my best to instill my values and my love in our children and allow them the space to grow as individuals. I learn from them what they need, then I try my best to meet those needs in any way I can. I allow them to see me fail and then see how I pick myself up, letting them know it’s okay to fail. One thing I was able to do to uniquely provide support to our youngest child was through her struggle with ADHD. My wife doesn’t have ADHD, but I do, and so I sat with our daughter for a year and a half helping in guiding her through the way to live with ADHD. Also, ways to overcome the downsides of our disorder while simultaneously using the strengths of it to help us. With our youngest son I have found that the best way I can parent him is simply by truly seeing and appreciating him, and giving him my time, my ear, and my heart.
PB: “Do you have visits with your children, and if so, how do you make the most of them?”
Chris: Yes, we have visits, and our visits are maximized by spending time as a family and doing most of what we’d do if I were home. For our daughter’s 11th birthday, we made a cake from ingredients we got out of the vending machines, Oreos, cocoa, coffee, mayo as a substitute for the egg, and Reese’s peanut butter cups and the Oreo filling for the frosting. We also shared a tub of ice cream. This was also Father’s Day, and the best Father’s Day I have ever had. It is one of my favorite memories, right up there with the first time my children called me dad, the day I met Rita, and the day I made her my wife.
PB: “What feelings do you face after visits?”
Chris: Honest and true joy and pride, first and foremost. Our children who have faced so much adversity and been through so much in their young lives love me and trust me so much as to let me in and embrace me as their own. I am not their biological father, but I am their dad, and they are my babies just the same. I also feel sorrow watching them leave without me, knowing how much it hurts them to go. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, because every day with them gets me through the hard times and the dark nights like nothing else.
PB: “How are you there for your children when you physically cannot be there?”
Chris: “As I mentioned earlier, I am there for my children mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We try to talk on the phone daily, although sometimes the financial situation, and scheduling issues can be a barrier to that. On those days my wife reminds them that I love them with all my heart and soul.”
PB: “How does being away from your children impact you? Are there any psychological impacts?”
Chris: Being away from my babies is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face, I feel it every moment of every day. Just as I do being away from my wife. I feel it mentally, and emotionally to the point that it has a physical presence to it, right in my heart and yes, it is also very psychological.
PB: “Are there any programs, or facility events that help families reconnect, or maintain connections already there, during your incarceration? If so, do you think it’s enough, or should there be more?”
Chris: Absolutely, I am a member of Strength in Families. A beautiful program sponsored by the Washington Department of Corrections that not only helps us in here through teaching us better human-being skills, and parenting tools, but upon our release they will assign us a caseworker to continue building on our lessons. We also have family friendlies, family fun nights, as well as events like the back-to-school events where we are able to provide our children with backpacks filled full of school supplies to start the school year. There is also a spring carnival where we play games, enjoy cotton candy, popcorn, and win prizes from the games we play. There is also the Extended Family Visit program, where our partners and our children can come stay with us in a house on the facility compound for 48 hours, just us with no staff in the house just like we’d do at home. These programs definitely help, but there could always be more.
That concludes our interview with Mr.Olsen!
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