WOW! So I am getting ready for yet another resentencing. I won in the appeals court over a year ago so the sentencing court must give me less time than what I have remaining now. I am suppose to go back on the 22nd of this month.
I’m nervous. About a few things actually, I know that voicing your concerns can help eliminate some of the tensions they cause so here goes a few:
My first concern is that I will finally get the concurrent sentence I should of had already, which would release me within 60 days or so. Seems odd to be concerned about the best case scenario right? Well, here’s why, my adulthood, in its entirety has been in confinement. I am 47 years old… so yeah its been a minute! I have never run a bank account. No drivers license or paid taxes. Haven’t lived day to day sharing a dwelling with the person I love. I want to! I want to be everything for her that she is for me right now, and more. My list of haven’ts is long for sure, thankfully I’ve already garnered the understanding that one cannot make up lost time. One can only relish that which is left. I can only succeed by daily choosing an attitude of gratitude. I wrote earlier, “the sentence I should have had already”. I also recognize the real time blessing of even having this second chance of being human. Living as an adult in the free world. Many people feel I should never have said chance… and many would say justly so due to my crimes. My hands go up as I say thank you to all those who chose to see past my darkest moments and have graciously shone their light upon this man.
My second biggest concern is they will find a way to make me do just a few more years… Not because I couldn’t , prison is what I know. But for my supporters. My wife. My parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and all the others who have assigned me a piece of their heart, who care. I swear there are days they want me free more than I do! I ache to be more of a benefit than a burden to them.
Thirdly, I do not want to fail!!! I NEVER want to put on this green ID tag again! I’ve seen so many men back it is daunting. Thankfully I am clean and sober and have zero desire to ever use again. That hurdle alone trips up the vast majority of the recidivists. And my perception of my choices directly affecting my outcomes is resolute. I shifted the narrative years ago from, ” Why is this always happening to me?” -to- “Why am I always causing this?” And people, let me tell ya, there is life altering power in perception. How we perceive = how we define. How we define = how we engage. I am no longer drawn to the “outlaw” life because I no longer perceive/define/engage that style of existence as more worthy of my devotion than the people that love me. I now like simple and slow! Give me my wife, my dog and my fishing pole and I’ll be a good happy man the rest of my days.
Thank you for reading. May what you believe bring blessings to you and those you love.
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Jeremiah,
As a citizen, I don’t have much say in who stays incarcerated and who gets released. I get that you’ve spent over 30 years behind bars, and that seems to you like it’s enough for what you did as a teenager. I’d imagine that you’d likely be singing a different tune if it was some other person who did the crime, and it was your loved ones whose lives were so brutally extinguished.
The thing I remember the most is your booking photo. It’s been over 30 years since I laid eyes on it, but I can vividly recall that ear-to-ear smile of yours. If it isn’t already something you have access to, you should get a copy of it and contemplate what it is you see staring back at you.
You’ve invited feedback and ask “what should I talk about next?”
I suggest three things you should talk about. The first two are David Gresham and Loren Evans. It’s nice to hear you go on about love and hope, fingers through a woman’s hair and concurrent sentences, but so far I have yet to see anything reflecting about the lives that were taken, and the anguish of mothers and other loved ones that will continue on whether you get out of the pokey or not. I wish that there was some evident “come to Jesus” in you somewhere, but if there was, I’d imagine you’d have brought that up by now. But even without God, if you’re going to expect people like me to believe that you deserve freedom, a little atonement might be nice to see.
The third thing I’d like to see if the 47-year-old Jeremiah talking to the not-quite 16-year-old Jeremiah, that smirking kid that had no good reasons and no excuses for killing two people, and trying to kill a third that day so long ago. I’d like to know what you’d say to that kid. You can wax on quite well when talking about dogs, so how about some sage advice to your younger self. What would you tell him, if you could go back in time?
I don’t want you to fail either. But I absolutely hope you never forget.
In case you didn’t know, Loren Evans is buried in Ridgefield. David Gresham is buried in Estacada.
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/31783278/loren-w-evans
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/116439565/robert_david-gresham/flower