Relationships between incarcerated individuals and those in the outside world are understandably challenging and they’ll face untold obstacles from the start. Nevertheless, these relationships are fundamentally no different than those in the outside world. In this entry I will discuss the Do’s and Dont’s and share personal experiences of my past relationships.
Even with the challenges prison relationships face – long distance, outside influences (negative/prejudice friends or family), prison itself and an inmate’s prison sentence, etc. – I never truly got to know any of the people I’ve dated until I came to prison. I never allowed anyone get too close to me either, but coming to prison changed all that as it made me subconsciously attach myself to those in the outside world. As I battled with my attachment issues, I discovered what it means to have an actual connection, that closeness and oneness.
The most important aspect of a prison relationship is communication. Without that you’ll have nothing because unlike relationships in the outside world, couples are more pressed to build off of communication alone. In doing so I have learned so much about myself, others, what I’m able to give, and what I need from my significant others that I didn’t have any desire for prior to prison. Tell me about your day, I love to hear about it! Going grocery shopping sounds like a full-on adventure to me! So, DO share your day with an incarcerated partner because what you think to be a boring aspect of your day-to-day life is undoubtedly extremely interesting to someone incarcerated.
A word of caution, DON’T just talk about the “what if’s” and “when you’re out” scenarios. DON’T entertain too much of these scenarios either from your incarcerated partner(s) as it can give off an aloof impression. Instead keeping my eyes on the path my significant other and I were on together with the destination in mind and not at all rushing a single aspect of our journey together made us grow together and truly build and enjoy time shared. They became my best friend, and we connected in more way than just one. Being flexible is important as the destination may change time and time again depending on the experiences, goals, wants and needs changing within the relationship and within your own individual lives.
I struggled with this issue in many of my early relationships within my incarcerated journey. I wanted nothing to do with prison, so I was subconsciously living in the future rather than in the moment. This was a major learning curve for me. Even when I learned, I still made so many mistakes because my later relationships struggled due to me being “distant” because I refused to talk about the future and would “shut down” whenever the future was brought up. So DO be patient, navigating this journey and relationship can be difficult for you and your incarcerated partner, but not at all impossible. It’s just a mere learning curve.
Another DO is be all about transparency. Share your past with us! As an incarcerated individual it goes without saying that we have made mistakes and most likely come from broken families, bad neighborhoods and all the typical things that have aided us along our way towards our incarceration. We understand that the outside world finds the prison world interesting, but please DON’T make us feel like your little social project. Be forthcoming or at least open to the idea of sharing your personal story with us. Odds are we aren’t very different, so transparency is very important as we lost the option to be so by being in a place where our crimes are public knowledge for all to see. However, I’m not saying we deserve all your deepest and darkest secrets, just consider the value of transparency and what can be built through it.
DON’T be afraid to ask us about our crimes and sentences. Any inmate that dances around the question should be a red flag to you to DO your own research or possibly not pursue much other than friendship or cordial pen-pal correspondence. Personally, I dread telling people about my charge (murder) and sentence (24.3 years), because I know I’m more than the sum of the mistakes I made as a boy, but I will always fear being seen and judged as that boy still and not at all seen or judged for the man I am today and still becoming. Obviously, there are crimes you may deem to be completely unforgivable, disgusting, etc. and that’s ok!
Now let’s talk about sex. It is important to be open to your partners sexual needs but DO make sure you’re respected on yours as well. As for myself, I’ve utilized phone calls for, you guessed it, phone sex. From vocalizing what I wanted to full on role play! DO have fun in whatever ways you are comfortable. I actually never had phone sex prior to prison and was a bit awkward with it at first. Written sexual scenarios are also a good way to comfortably express yourself if doing so on the phone isn’t quite your cup of tea. Addressing your wants and needs at the beginning and throughout the relationship is important as with any relationship of any kind.
Every prison relationship is a unique adventure full of challenges and if you can overcome them together it will bring you connections, experiences, and opportunities like no other. However, if you can’t get over the obstacles in the beginning then things will be very difficult and discouraging. As with all things the success or failure is entirely up to you both. So DON’T create more obstacles than what it is already present from the beginning. DON’T expect others to understand what you have together, what you have only needs to be understood by you and your partner.
Thank you for your time, – Brian.
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